


going 'til i'm getting there

by pensiveVisionary (hamburr)



Series: lost some pieces i can't replace [3]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Anxiety, Depression, Disabled Character, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Trans Aaron Burr, Trans Character, Trans Male Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-23
Updated: 2017-02-21
Packaged: 2018-08-24 07:36:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,564
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8363419
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hamburr/pseuds/pensiveVisionary
Summary: A second chance. Don't throw it away.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> i have a little bit of another chapter written but i'm not sure when i'll get there, but there will be more at some point. eventually

Aaron wakes with someone’s arm around him. In his bleary, sleepy confusion, he curses himself for having brought someone into his bed--

He sits bolt upright when he remembers. Alexander blinks up at him, awakened by Aaron’s movement.

“‘Sup?” Alexander says, reaching for Aaron again. “Why’d you leave, you’re _warm_.” Aaron stares at Alexander’s hand, where it rests on Aaron’s hip. “Dude, are you okay?” Concern has leaked into Alexander’s voice.

Aaron puts his hand on top of Alexander’s, closes his eyes for a moment to refocus himself.

“Aaron?”

“Just kind of. Re-processing yesterday. Gimme a sec.”

He feels Alex rest his head against Aaron’s shoulder. Aaron opens his eyes to look at Alexander. Both of them are still naked--they didn’t have sex though, just overwhelming nonsexual intimacy--and the blanket is around their hips, Alexander clinging to Aaron. Aaron turns his head and presses his lips to the top of Alexander’s head, closes his eyes again. He smells the same, like green-apple shampoo.

Alexander snuggles closer, or tries to, huffs out a short sigh when the only amount of closer he can get is to hook his foot around Aaron’s ankle.

“I have to pee but that means getting up,” Alexander whines.

“If you get off me and get your elbow out of my rib cage I’ll make you breakfast.”

“Deal!” Alexander carefully disentangles himself from Aaron, slides out from under the covers--Aaron pointedly does not let his eyes linger anywhere untoward--moves to sit on the edge of the bed. He leans forward, looks around on the floor. “Where’d my cane go?”

Aaron kneels up, looks around. “It’s at the foot of the bed.”

“Oh.” He glances at Aaron, a little sheepish. “Will you get it for me? It takes me a little bit to get going in the morning.”

“Yeah, no problem.” Aaron slides out of bed, overwhelmingly conscious of his nudity and of Alexander’s, and he can’t meet his eyes when he hands Alex his cane.

“Thanks,” says Alexander.

“Of course.” He still isn’t looking at Alex. He goes to his dresser, finds some sweatpants and underwear and a shirt, glances at Alexander again. “I’m going to get dressed and start breakfast. You can borrow some of my clothes, if you’d like.”

Alexander nods and Aaron leaves the room, goes to the bathroom to change and wash his face and stare at himself in the mirror like _what the fuck have you done, Aaron Burr_ , and then goes to the kitchen.

Right. He had intended to go grocery shopping on Tuesday. It’s Saturday. He has, by way of breakfast, one cinnamon Pop-Tart folded in its shiny silver foil, two bananas that have been more brown than yellow for days, the stale heels of a loaf of bread, and a box of Sun-Maid raisins, the origin of which he is uncertain.

He stands there frowning into his fridge, the overall contents of which are just as pathetic as the rest of the kitchen. He sighs and closes the door. Tuesday had been _okay, dude, you’ve been putting off grocery shopping for more than a week, you really need to go today_ , and now that it’s Saturday, Aaron really wishes he didn’t have a guest to bear witness to the effects of depression on his everyday life.

 

While he’s trying to figure out what to do about this situation, he hears Alexander walking towards the kitchen. Aaron turns, tries to smile, but it comes out more like a wince. This is not helped by the sudden stab of guilt he feels at the sight of Alexander shuffling along, physically restrained from the everything-all-at-once pace he used to set.

“Don’t look at me like that, what is it?” Alex is wearing a hoodie and sweatpants that Aaron hasn’t seen in ages, and feels his heart sink a little knowing that there is no way Alexander would have scrounged those up without having thrown Aaron’s clothes all over the room. Now there’s two more things he can’t avoid doing today, four if you count showering, more if you count all the steps that go into getting ready to go grocery shopping and actually doing it and _fuck_ , Alexander is staring at him with an expression somewhere between indignant and concerned.

“I, uh.”

Alexander raises his eyebrows. Confrontational as always.

“I just kind of realized I haven’t gone grocery shopping in like, uhh-- well, a while. And so there isn’t anything, like… edible, really.” And here Aaron’s face is a reflection of the indignance on Alexander’s face, begging him not to pity him for something he can’t help.

Alex softens a little, even still, and he says, “Let’s go to the store, then.”

“Are you sure? I mean, it’s--”

Alexander silences him quite effectively with a look. “C’mon. It’ll be less terrible with two of us. Go brush your teeth or whatever and we can go.”

 

When Aaron comes back out of the bathroom, Alexander is waiting by the front door. When Aaron gets close enough, Alexander reaches for Aaron’s hand. Aaron lets him take it, inwardly feeling a wave of relief at the physical contact, at the fact that Alex still wants to touch him.

“You okay? Your hand is shaking.”

“Oh. I didn’t notice,” Aaron says.

“Goddammit, Aaron,” but his tone is fond and he squeezes Aaron’s hand. “It’s okay. I’m here.”

Aaron wishes desperately he was back in bed again, with Alexander tucked up against his side. They make their slow way down the street together, Aaron trying to talk himself out of getting overwhelmed by all the little things he has to do, Alexander still holding his hand.

Alexander talks him through the shopping trip. Methodically, they go through the store, Alex helping unscramble Aaron’s brain by offering logical suggestions of things Aaron might need. He puts his hand on the small of Aaron’s back and rests his head against Aaron’s shoulder when Aaron pays for the groceries, a comforting gesture that actually manages to make him feel comforted.

When they’re back and the groceries are put away, Aaron finds himself standing blankly in the kitchen, until Alexander stands in front of him and touches his arm.

“We should eat. I’ll make something.”

“No, you’re a guest, you shouldn’t have to--”

“No. I want to. You go take a shower and clear your head, okay?”

Aaron is powerless to argue under Alexander’s serious, steady eye contact. He nods, and Alexander looks for a brief moment like he is going to kiss Aaron, but thinks better of it and instead steps back.

“You can shower and then we can eat and then we can curl up on the couch with one of your fluffy blankets and watch movies or something. Whatever you want.”

“Okay,” Aaron says, and he goes.

 

True to his word, Alexander is sitting at the table, scrolling through his phone, waiting for Aaron. There are two plates neatly arranged with sandwiches, chips, and an apple.

“Cute,” Aaron says, but what he really means is ‘thank you.’

“I know I am,” Alexander says, shooting Aaron a charming smile, and what he really means is ‘anything for you.’

 

They skip the pretense of cuddling on the couch and get straight in bed after they eat. Aaron tucks himself into Alexander’s arms, and Alexander holds him close.

“Is this what it’s like all the time?” Alex asks softly.

Aaron can only nod.

“How long?”

Aaron laughs bitterly against Alexander’s shoulder. “Long enough I can’t remember what it was like before.”

“Oh, _Aaron_.”

“Look, I doubt you want me taking that tone with you about the stuff that’s going on with you.”

“Fair enough. Sorry.”

They are quiet.

 

Aaron doesn’t realize he’d fallen asleep until he wakes up. The room is dimly lit, and Alex is looking at Aaron sleepily, and removes his hand from where it was lightly touching Aaron’s cheek when Aaron blinks at him.

Aaron kisses him-- once, soft, without even really thinking about it first, it just seems so right, and Alexander gives a soft little sigh and puts his hand on the small of Aaron’s back.

“You’re lovely,” Alexander says, his voice sleepy, and Aaron hypothesizes Alex must have just woken up too.

“Mm,” Aaron says, very eloquently, and pushes his face against Alex’s shirt. Well, his shirt, but on Alexander’s body. “You’re warm.”

Alexander laughs, and the sound makes Aaron smile. Alexander kisses the top of Aaron’s head, and Aaron sighs, hugs him more tightly.

They have talking to do, Aaron knows it, but he’s too cozy to do anything but close his eyes again and let the steady rhythm of Alexander’s breathing lull him back to sleep.

 

He wakes up to the sun aggressively shining through the blinds and Alexander trying to quietly shift away from Aaron. Aaron is not prepared for the violent jolt of anxiety that courses through him, and he instinctively latches onto Alexander more tightly.

“Hey, whoa, what’s up?”

“Are you leaving?”

“I’ve got to go sometime-- I mean, I have an appointment later, I was just gonna shower--”

Aaron knows he should not be going short of breath at this, that his whole body should not be locking with tension, but his anxiety seems to be ignorant.

“Aaron? Aaron, no, I didn’t mean-- I’ll come back, of course I will-- if you want me to, that is, fuck, I just meant-- I didn’t mean to scare you, I’m sorry.”

“Please come back,” Aaron whispers.

“Okay. Okay. I’ll come back. Hell, I’ll come back tonight, if you want me to.” Alex has turned to face Aaron, to cup Aaron’s face in his hands.

Aaron’s mouth seems to be disconnected from his brain, now. He says, “I just-- I’ve been so alone, it’s been just me and no one else and I don’t-- I--”

“I’m not going anywhere. If you want me here, I’ll be here as long as you want me. I’ll come back. I promise I’ll come back. Here-- I’ll text you, if you want, you haven’t changed your number, have you? I, uh, I think mine might be different now, I had to get a new phone-- um, I’ll put it in your phone? If you want?”

“Okay.”

Alexander carefully reaches over to the nightstand and offers Aaron his phone so Aaron can enter his passcode. Aaron does so, robotically, hands it back to Alex and watches him as he opens Aaron’s contacts, taps the little +, types in his number, his name, sets his nickname as Alex(ander) followed by a green heart emoji, and sends himself a text that consists of more green hearts, telling Aaron that it serves a dual purpose: it ensures Alexander has Aaron’s number and also, those hearts were really intended to be from Alex to Aaron, not Alex to himself. This makes Aaron crack a tiny smile.

Alex kisses Aaron’s temple.

“Do you want me to come back tonight?”

Aaron nods.

“I’m sorry but I really do have to go, but I’ll come back as soon as I can. I promise.”

Aaron doesn’t want to let go, doesn’t want to let go of Alexander, this man who has miraculously returned to his life, but he does.

He doesn’t get out of bed. He can’t find it in himself.

 

He is embarrassed, though, that when Alexander comes back, he is still in bed, having spent the majority of the day in and out of sleep.

Alexander sits on the edge of the bed and rubs Aaron’s back.

“D’you wanna shower with me?”

“What?”

“I mean-- like-- it was just-- a thought? Maybe a motivation to get out of bed? But-- uh-- of course only if you want to, fuck, I’m sorry if I overstepped--”

“No, it’s okay. I. I would like that.”

“We can go get dinner after, if you’re up for it.”

“Are you asking me on a date?” Aaron is surprised to find himself flirting, even feeling as terrible as he does.

There is delight on Alexander’s face. “If you want it to be.”

Aaron gives a little smile. “We’ll see how it goes.”

 

There is less hesitance, this time, when they undress each other, and Aaron vaguely wonders where this might be headed.

There is still a bottle of the green apple shampoo in the shower, two-thirds full, though probably not worth using anymore. Who knows how long it’s been in there. Alexander notices, but doesn’t comment; Aaron can see it on his face. He’s an open book, he always has been.

Alexander kisses the corner of Aaron’s mouth. “What do you need, beautiful?” he asks, softly.

Aaron breathes, “kiss me,” just barely audible over the _shhhhh_ of the water.

And so Alexander does, with Aaron’s back against the wall of the shower and Alex’s hands light on Aaron’s hips, and it hits Aaron all at once how desperate for touch he’s been. He pushes his hands into Alexander’s hair and groans when Alexander holds him more tightly.

Alexander nips at Aaron’s earlobe, licks the side of his neck. “How long has it been?”

“When did we break up again?”

“God. Aaron.”

“You know I have perfectly good reasons not to hook up with people.”

“You never met anyone?”

“No, I didn’t,” Aaron says, and he straightens his posture enough to make it clear he would like Alexander to back off. Alex does, moves away from Aaron so that Aaron can move away from the wall. In a space as small as this, it’s difficult to avoid eye contact without looking anywhere more suspicious. Aaron focuses on Alexander’s shoulder.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to press. I was just… surprised.”

“Yeah, well.” Aaron doesn’t want to ask about Alex’s dating history; he’s sure there have been others. He starts to wonder, but tells himself to stop. “Let me wash your hair.”

“You’re gonna have to stand on your toes, if I go down there’s no fuckin’ way I’m getting back up.”

“Noted.” He catches Alex’s eye at that, gives him just a little smirk. Alexander’s eyebrows raise, and he laughs.

“Not what I meant, you absolute nerd.”

“Yeah, well.” _I figured it was better than pity_.

Alex’s smile speaks volumes.

 

They don’t dawdle much, after that instead actually focusing on getting clean. Alex sits down heavily on the edge of Aaron’s bed.

“You didn’t overexert yourself, did you?”

“Stop fussing, I’m fine.”

“Let’s order in for dinner,” Aaron says, half because he doesn’t want to go anywhere, but half because he doesn’t want to be the reason Alexander is pushing himself too hard. Alexander doesn’t put up a fight, which says all that Aaron needs to know.

They get pizza, and sit on the couch and turn on the TV and proceed to pay absolutely no attention to it. Aaron puts his feet in Alexander’s lap. Alexander looks at him, holding up his plate. “Now what am I supposed to do?”

“Hold your plate in your perfectly functional hands. My feet were here first.”

Alexander feigns annoyance, but it’s not very believable when he breaks into a smile a few moments later.

“What?”

“I missed you and I’m happy to be in your presence again.”

Aaron can’t help but smile a little at that, but he can feel that this is about to segue into talking about some of the things they’ve been avoiding.

“Why did it fall apart?” Aaron asks, in a quiet voice. “Why did-- why did it end the way it did?”

“The hardest question first?”

“Look, we can’t do this if it’s all going to go to hell again. I cannot handle that emotionally, it would ruin me, Alexander. I’m dead fucking serious. If you’re going to pull that shit again, I am going to politely and respectfully ask you to get the fuck out and never speak to me again.”

Alexander blinks at him. He was clearly not expecting that, and it gives Aaron a tiny hint of satisfaction to know that he can stand his ground against Alex, even after everything.

“Please be honest with me,” Aaron adds, since Alexander isn’t saying anything.

“Okay,” Alexander says, quietly, and again, “okay. Where do you want me to start?”

“Maria,” Aaron says, and Alexander flinches a little.

“Wait, how do you know her name? I’m pretty sure I never--”

Exasperated. “Just tell me what happened.”

“She kissed me first.”

“Don’t blame her, what the fuck? You were the one in a committed relationship, Alexander.”

“She did, I’m just telling you how it started! And she was in a relationship too. Her boyfriend was abusive and we met one night by chance and I wanted to help her and then one thing led to another and we fucked. I don’t have an excuse. It’s not excusable. I didn’t think you’d find out, but that’s shitty anyway, because like-- fuck, if I’d wanted to try polyamory or something, I could have just talked to you and we probably would have been able to figure something out but I didn’t, I just kept it a secret because I’m impulsive as shit and you’d been out of town when she and I hooked up so I thought it wouldn’t matter.”

“But you kept seeing her.”

“I did. And then her boyfriend found out, and he was holding it over both our heads-- he wanted me to pay him or else he’d have told you, and by that point I was in too deep and was afraid of you finding out and I was afraid he’d hurt her and so I just-- kept it up, and then you found out anyway and that happened and so I just. Yeah.”

“You know what’s funny is, after that, I met Maria and she told me herself what happened. And, somehow, I managed not to sleep with her. I helped her find an escape plan and a place to stay. We’re friends on Facebook. She’s dating someone named Eliza, they’re very happy together.”

Alexander stares at him with wide eyes. “Eliza Schuyler?”

“Oh, tell me you didn’t date her.”

Alexander winces a little. “Yeah, but she was single then.”

“Reassuring.”

Alexander sighs. “I know. I know the things I did are not forgivable. But-- I-- I mean, since the accident, they had me start seeing a therapist, for that trauma, y’know, but we’ve been going through a lot of stuff because it turns out wow! Having a shitty childhood really fucks you up, who’d’ve thought? we’ve been working through all of that and stuff, and-- I really don’t think I’d ever do something like that again. And we’re both older now, too, we know a lot of things better. Like how to talk about stuff. Like, I think this is a more productive conversation than we had in the last year of our relationship and we’ve only just started talking.”

“I’ll agree with that.” Aaron sets his plate down on the coffee table, takes Alexander’s and puts it there too, moves to sit closer to Alex. “I’m--understandably, I think--afraid of that happening again. Can you honestly promise me that if anything like that ever seems like it might vaguely happen again, you’ll tell me _before_ you do anything?”

Alexander takes in the weight of Aaron’s words before he replies, and Aaron appreciates that. He can hardly remember feeling genuinely listened to by Alex, last time.

“I can promise that. That is something I can do. I swear.”

Aaron nods, and takes Alexander’s hand.

“My turn to ask you a question. Have you been seeing a therapist?”

Aaron groans inwardly.

“No.”

“Have you thought about it?”

“It takes money and motivation and time, none of which I am exactly drowning in.”

“We could go together?”

“Like, couple therapy? Are we even a couple?”

This gives Alexander pause, and after a moment he says, “I mean, if you want to be, I’d really like to.”

“Oh, swoon.”

“Shut the fuck up, this is not exactly a typical situation. I have feelings for you still, of course I do, and you implied as much the other day or yesterday or whenever that was, and-- I would really like to try again. I really want to. I’m worried about it going badly again, too, so I thought maybe that might-- that that might help?” He looks vulnerable, and Aaron takes his hand.

“We can try it. I want it to work too.”

Alexander kisses him, and Aaron kisses him back, each holding the other close, keeping him there.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> remember this?  
> very very brief ~~smutty~~ scene that's been sitting in my drafts for long enough that i don't think i'm gonna be working on it again, so here it is: the final installation in this au.

Aaron twists his hands into Alexander’s hair, breathes in a shuddering gasp.

“Fuck, Alex-- _oh_ , do that again,” Aaron says, when Alexander does something truly spectacular with his mouth. Alexander obliges, and Aaron whines, his hips buck upwards. Alexander, encouraged, does something that somehow manages to be even better. Aaron wonders where this talent had been when they were first dating. “That’s so-- yes, keep doing that-- Alex, _Alexander_ , I love-- I l-- fuck. _Fuck_.”

After, curled up together: “What is it you love?”

Aaron opens his mouth, closes it again. “Alexander, please, you know what I was going to say.”

Softly: “Yeah, but you didn’t say it.”

“I love you,” Aaron says, and Alexander kisses him, and Aaron doesn’t even really care where Alexander’s mouth has been, especially when Alex pulls back all breathless and flustered and whispers, “I love you too.”

And he stays.

He stays.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading! <3 i'm at hambrr on tumblr come talk to me about these lovable disasters


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